Life is Hard

It's been nearly six months since my last post. This year has been crazy. A lot of high points and a more of the lowest of the lows. The first time in my life i've really questioned my purpose. Do I even have one? that i dont know still. Any who, since April a lot of shit has changed. I finished up my second semester at ODU and did absolutely horrible. First time ive seen an F on any type of transcript. I lost my parents trust a bit, I gotta ball this semester currently or the funding for it goes out the window. My dad doesnt believe i'll make it. Thinks my priorities are all tied up. Maybe he is right. I'm too worried about gettin drunk and blowin money than my future. It could come back to bite me in the ass. But so far so good this Fall semester, only A's and B's. This summer was definitely one to remember. Not even looking, I found someone special. Definitely out of the ordinary, a person that I felt so strongly about so soon. It was crazy. It wasnt but a few weeks and I was saying "I love you". It was odd cuz i wasnt just saying it, i felt every ounce of the word when i said it. I never felt a love like that. I found what I was looking for in a girlfriend, someone who could match the amount of love I had for them. I hope you all find it one day because it is probably the single greatest feeling ever. Whenever the world is down on you, you always know you got that person that will always be there, to love you no matter what. Its electrifying. Its magical. Every thought contains that person no matter what. You just wanna do whatever you can to make that person happy. When they are down, you are down. When they are happy, you are happy. I felt this so much. We have had our ups and downs. More ups tho, I can admit ive never been happier. I didnt have a care in the world. But, I fucked up. Now i really believe its over. Im in the lowest of the lows. I want a way to just reach happiness. Im not happy. Im sick. Im depressed. Nothing can cheer me up, ive tried. I hide it when im around my roommate in such, but deep down im crying every second. It was all my fault and I can't take it back. I got her believing im a totally different person than I am. Idk what came over me, but I feel horrible. Something that really means the world to me, I just had to break it. Now im regretting it. I hate myself. I really do, how could i be so dumb? I have had a pit in my stomach since. It wont go away, ive tried. Everything reminds me of her. The slightest things. A simple song that I know we listened to together, i have to skip cuz it chokes me up inside. No one has an answer for me or at least the answer i want to hear. I really think its over. But someone told me, "if she comes back its meant to be". Well dammit, i hope its meant to be. Ive never wanted something so bad. Its sad cuz im the sole reason. I thought I was such a good guy, maybe im not. Maybe I need to lose something that I cherish as a life lesson. I hope not. At 19, i honestly found someone that I want to be there when im 84 or what have you. Im scared, i really dont like change. It seems my life always throws me curveballs. My job I had for 3 and half years, I got fired from. I was devastated. It's not like I was fired for stealing or what have you, It was an honest mistake. It was so hard for my manager, cuz it wasnt his choice. My store is literally like a family. We all look out for each other. No matter the occasion. My boss stood up for me so many times and taught me so many life lessons. I love that guy, he was literally like a father figure. Anything i needed he would help me with. I miss my job so much. It's not like the money was great, but I just never had an issue with going. The staff we had at the current time is the best ive had there. I enjoyed working with everyone. Even though the drive sucked, I wasnt ready to leave. I filed for unemployment and ive put in many apps. But no calls and my unemployment checks still havent come in. Whenever i try to call about it, its always a voice automated service. I fucking hate that. Im strugglin. I owe my parents money, ive almost maxed out my credit card and I still havent paid my Cobra off. I moved to Norfolk as a way to get out of my parents hair and to get some freedom while being close to ODU. Not to mention close to the love of my life. My weekends suck though. All my friends are in Hampton. I miss them so much. I really need to meet people at ODU, but most that I meet I dont like. I wanna go party, experience college life tho. If you are really a friend of mine, you should cherish it. Not to sound like an ass hole, but I dont let very many people into my life because I dont care to be around many people. Just cuz you are my friend on Facebook, doesnt mean you are my friend. Likely you are an associate. I'm broke, which i havent had an issue with since my sophomore of high school. I cant just go do the things that I want to. I want to buy movies that come out or go out. But the funds arent there. Ive relied on my parents a lot, and im tired of it. I feel like its not letting me turn into an adult. I thought i achieved it and then reality slapped me in the face. My parents only make but so much money. Both my parents have only high school education. My mom only makes but so much as a teacher assistant and my dads job status changes always. Verizon isnt doing well, so he could lose his job at anytime. And then we are fucked. My brother in law works for Verizon too, he might lose his job also. Which would be great since of course my sister and him just bought a house not long ago and my niece just turned one. Fuck life i swear. Those of you that know me closely, know i suffered a gigantic tragedy in my 9th grade year. I had a house fire. I lost everything. Luckily for my family, we werent at the house. We were in Florida, talk about the greatest spring break ever. Its the first time ive ever had an experience with drugs. My cousin addicted to crack, broke in and stole tons of stuff and sold it on the street for crack. Mysteriously my house burns down that week. They couldnt tie him to the house fire, but he got grand theft and was let out just about a month ago. I hate him with all my heart. The thought of him makes me angry. My grandparents who I love dearly came to his rescue and are allowing him to stay at their house. My opinion of them has changed dramatically. I could care less about them I thought. Then i find out my grandfather is pretty sick, I dont know how to feel. Im distraught. I love them so much but they hurt my family so bad. I wanna see them, but my cousin prevents me or my family from doing it. It sucks, i'm crying as I type this. I'm afraid to go, the sight of my cousin might make me go crazy. Life sucks. My uncle used to say it all the time when I was younger and i always thought how could he say such a thing, life is great. I understand him now. I hate it. I could never go off the deep end or what have you. There is just no way out. I wish everything would just be normal. But that will never happen. Im just waiting for something else to happen. I might really die of stress before I turn twenty. Im not a religious person what so ever. If i had to declare a denomination i guess I would say Christian. I talk to my God every now and then and I pray things will get better. Sometimes I feel like things are looking up and then it changes. I dont know what to do. I search for answers and i cant find them. I try to do my best and its not enough, its disappointing. I really feel like im just bitching, but I gotta get it out somehow. I really hope no one reads this, but if you do, dont go around saying hey go read that post n shit. This is really just my method of getting my thoughts out of my head for a bit. I dont have a journal, so this will suffice. But just know, life is hard. Its not all its cracked up to be. Much love.